Put pride aside

Dear Professor,

An event that gave me the "shock" and messed up my head, happened just ten days ago. I returned from vacation and my boyfriend (now ex), left on the same day. It's over, although neither of us had a valid reason, that is, we concluded by saying that neither of us were happy. The basic problem? Two proud people can not find common ground to meet. This situation troubles me a lot. This is the short version of my story (because I would not want to bore you, but it is necessary for you to understand the nature of my concern). In three months of relationship we never went out alone because neither of us wanted to show the other person that we were with, in short, because of resentments, unspoken words and pride we ended up walking away. The problem, however, is this: "Why do people not show, or rather can not and do not want to show what they really feel? Or even, why are they not spontaneous? ". Please, I would like to receive advice on how to behave and hear a new opinion. The question is: "Is it better to be spontaneous, taking the risk of being hurt by someone, or continue to ignore it so as not to give satisfaction to the other person? (In the context in which I'm still interested in the other person, but I'm afraid of rejection and I have doubts about fidelity towards me on his part).
Jessica, 4C
 

Dear Jessica,

In the fifth canto of Dante’s Inferno he turns to Francesca saying, "Francesca, your relenting pains me to tears (" Francesca, your martyrdoms and weeping make me sad and pious ")." And, after all, every story about love moves us, both stories of a troubled attempt to get closer to each other or those that present the end of a consolidated relationship. Because behind every story you hear the pain or the inability to be delivered from your solitude or to be returned to it again. It says that maybe your story is over even though neither of you had a good reason to break off the relationship, but it ended much earlier, probably because neither of you had a good reason to "create a relationship", ie. to share something exclusive. The group was your protective coating, the place from which you each peeped at the other, but did not gain sufficient confidence to start a new path. You think that proud people can not really meet. I am also convinced of this, because pride establishes hierarchy and asymmetric scaffolding is not an adequate structure to support love. However, it is not always that pride stems from arrogance, as is generally believed; sometimes it germinates on the ground of fear, fear of being manipulated. Once, pride meant proper awareness of your dignity and quality, then it became synonymous with arrogance. However, there is a form of "self-love" that you speak of, which is not born from excessive self-regard, nor from arrogance, but from worry. In falling in love, the defenses are lowered. With reduced defenses you are more vulnerable, but you can trust the other? You can also show your weaknesses, which are nothing but the specific ways of your sensitivity to understand the world and relate to it. And you can freely express beyond the idea that the other has given you. When you are not convinced that the trust is well placed, because the signals on which decisions are made are not unique, then the pride is born as a defense, a little, as modesty, that the fear of being exploited, to become an object in the hands of another person. Openness to the other makes us exposed, and in every relationship we need to first be welcomed and not judged. However, avoiding a personal meeting for three months is not simply postponing an invitation, but wanting the offer to open a new opportunity for mutual growth; although the approach is sometimes difficult, because you are assured of the positive relationship and feelings are not always as clear as ideas. The philosopher Umberto Galimberti reminds us that "Our feelings are not clear and distinct like our ideas are. And our ideas have no power over them to intertwine and cling. To know them is just life with its enthusiasm and its despairs. There is no other way. " Then is it better to be spontaneous, running some risk or brooding inside your own borders? Figuring out who you can trust is not easy, and your sensitivity will only be sharpened by experience to judge this, but for a true original meeting there must be an encroachment of oneself. Paolo and Francesca had found a meeting point in reading the story of Lancelot and Guinevere that united them in their intentions and desires. On that common point they have approached each other. The book served as an intermediary between the two lovers. Their history is therefore a story of overstepped boundaries. The alternative is to walk in their own solitude bowing to the fear of t losing control, on guard from being manipulated or maimed by the other. But the illusion of not being defeated, remaining on the defensive, it causes a more poignant ruin: to never meet each other. And without the other you do not have access to other dimensions of your self.
Best wishes,
Alberto

tradotto da Eoin
Grazie Eoin!